Relationships can feel like both a blessing and the bane of your existence, a source of joy and a source of frustration or resentment. At some point, each of us is faced with a clingy child, a dramatic friend, a partner who recoils at the first hint of intimacy, a volatile parent, or a controlling boss — in short, a difficult relationship.
As a psychology professor and relationship scientist, I’ve spent countless hours observing human interactions, in the lab and in the real world, trying to understand what makes relationships work – and what makes them feel utterly intractable.
Recently, I teamed up with psychologist Rachel Samson, who helps individuals, couples and families untangle difficult dynamics in the therapy room. In our new book, “Beyond Difficult: An attachment-based guide for dealing with challenging people,” we explore the roots of difficult behavior and evidence-based strategies for making difficult relationships more bearable.
So what’s really going on beneath the surface of “difficult” behavior? And more to the point, what can you do about it?
Difficult interactions can have deep roots
When a conversation with a co-worker goes sideways or a phone call with a friend goes off the rails, it’s easy to assume the issue stems from the situation at hand. But sometimes, big emotions and reactions have deeper roots. Difficult interactions often result from differences in temperament: your biologically based style of emotional and behavioral responses to the world around you.
People with a sensitive temperament react more strongly to stress and sensory experiences. When overwhelmed, they may seem volatile, moody or rigid — but these reactions are often more about sensory or emotional overload than malice. Importantly, when sensitive children and adults are in a supportive environment that “fits” their temperament, they can thrive socially and emotionally.
Beyond neurobiology, one of the most common threads underlying difficult relationships is what psychologists call insecure attachment. Early experiences with caregivers shape the way people connect with others later in life. Experiences of inconsistent or insensitive care can lead you to expect the worst of other people, a core feature of insecure attachment.
People with insecure attachment may cling, withdraw, lash out or try to control others — not because they want to make others miserable, but because they feel unsafe in close relationships. By addressing the underlying need for emotional safety, you can work toward more secure relationships.
Managing difficult emotions
In challenging interactions, emotions can run high — and how you deal with those emotions can make or break a relationship.
Research has shown that people with sensitive temperament, insecure attachment or a history of trauma often struggle with emotion regulation. In fact, difficulty managing emotions is one of the strongest predictors of mental illness, relationship breakups and even aggression and violence.
It’s easy to label someone as “too emotional,” but in reality, emotion is a social event. Our nervous systems constantly respond to one another — which means our ability to stay regulated affects not only how we feel, but how others react to us. The good news is that there are evidence-based strategies to calm yourself when tensions rise:
- Take a breath. Slow, deep breathing helps signal safety to the nervous system.
- Take a break. Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman found that taking a 20-minute break during conflict helps reduce physiological stress and prevent escalation.
- Move your body. Exercise – particularly walking, dancing or yoga – has been shown to reduce depression and anxiety, sometimes even more effectively than medication. Movement before or after a difficult interaction can help “work out” the tension.
- Reframe the situation. This strategy, called cognitive reappraisal, involves changing the way you interpret a situation or your goals within it. Instead of trying to “fix” a difficult family member, for example, you might focus on appreciating the time you have with them. Reappraisal helps the brain regulate emotion before it escalates, lowering activity in stress-related areas like the amygdala.
Giving better feedback
Difficult people are usually unaware of how their behavior affects you — unless you tell them. One of the most powerful things you can do in a difficult relationship is give feedback. But not all feedback is created equal.
Feedback, at its core, is a tool for learning. Without it, you would never have learned to write, drive or function socially. But when feedback is poorly delivered, it can backfire: People become defensive, shut down or dig in their heels. Feedback is most effective when it stays focused on the task rather than the individual; in other words, don’t make it personal.
Research points to four keys to effective feedback, based in learning theory:
- Mutuality: Approach the conversation as a two-way exchange. Be open to the needs and ideas of both parties.
- Specificity: Be clear about what behaviors you’re referring to. Citing particular interactions is often better than “You always ….”
- Goal-directedness: Connect the feedback to a shared goal. Work together to find a constructive solution to the problem.
- Timing: Give feedback close to the event, when it’s still fresh but emotions have settled.
Also, skip the so-called “compliment sandwich” of a critique between two pieces of positive feedback. It doesn’t actually improve outcomes or change behavior.
Interestingly, the most effective sequence is actually to start with a corrective, followed by positive affirmation of what’s going well. Leading with honesty shows respect. Plus, the corrective is more likely to be remembered. Following up with warmth builds connection and shows that you value the person.
The bottom line
Difficult relationships are part of being human; they don’t mean someone is broken or toxic. Often, they reflect deeper patterns of attachment, temperament and differences in how our brains work.
When you understand what’s underneath the behavior – and take steps to regulate yourself, communicate clearly, and give compassionate feedback – you can shift even the most stuck relationship into something more bearable, perhaps even meaningful.
Strengthening relationships isn’t always easy. But the science shows that it is possible – and can be rewarding.
Jessica A. Stern is an assistant professor of psychology at Pomona College.
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.