“I know you can’t tell me what to do.”
I hear some version of that sentence almost every week from coaching clients wrestling with career decisions. Should they accept the promotion? Leave a leadership role? Start a company? Stay where they are?
By the time we meet, they’ve usually done everything they know how to do. They’ve made pro-and-con lists, sought advice from trusted colleagues, and analyzed every possible outcome. Yet they still feel stuck.
That’s because the hardest leadership decisions are rarely information problems. They’re values conflicts.
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A ‘values inventory’
When I begin working with a client, one of the first exercises I ask them to complete is a values inventory. Most people quickly identify principles like integrity, family, service, curiosity, or excellence. These values help explain what kind of leader they aspire to be and what they want their decisions to reflect.
Then we turn to the second half of the exercise.
Instead of asking what matters most to them, I ask about the motivations they feel slightly uncomfortable admitting matter. That’s where the conversation usually changes.
Conflict expert Dr. Jennifer Goldman-Wetzler calls these shadow values: values we’ve learned over the course of our lives but often keep hidden because they don’t fit the story we’d prefer to tell about ourselves. Recognition. Status. Financial security. Authority. Competition. Stability.
These aren’t “bad” values. In fact, a value that’s a shadow value for one person may be another person’s proudly stated guiding principle. The problem isn’t having these values; the problem is pretending we don’t.
I remember working with a physician who listed family, compassion, integrity, and service among her core values. But when we discussed shadow values, she immediately reacted to the word recognition.
“I can’t write that,” she told me.
“Why not?”
“It sounds narcissistic.”
I asked a different question: “But is it true?”
After a long pause, she nodded.
That simple admission unlocked months of confusion. She realized she’d been volunteering for prestigious committees she didn’t actually enjoy, struggling to delegate high-profile work, and feeling disproportionately affected by praise—or the absence of it. She wasn’t acting against her values. She was acting in accordance with all of them, including the ones she hadn’t wanted to acknowledge.
That’s an important distinction because leaders often assume that conflicting motivations are evidence they’re inauthentic. In reality, they’re evidence they’re human.
Are they still serving us?
Our values don’t develop in a vacuum. Someone who grew up in financial insecurity may quietly organize much of their career around stability while insisting money isn’t especially important. Someone who received praise primarily for achievement may continue seeking recognition decades later. These motivations often began as adaptations—they solved problems and helped us succeed.
The question isn’t whether they should exist. The question is whether they’re still serving us.
I’ve never met a client whose shadow values made me think less of them. I’ve only met clients whose decisions made much more sense once those values had a name.
That’s why I encourage leaders to replace judgment with curiosity. Instead of asking, Why do I care so much about recognition? ask, What did recognition once provide for me? Instead of criticizing yourself for valuing security, ask where that value came from and whether it still deserves the same influence over your decisions today.
Self-awareness isn’t about eliminating uncomfortable motivations, it’s about acknowledging that they’re already in the room.
The next time you’re facing a decision that feels impossibly difficult, resist the temptation to ask only, What’s the right choice?
Ask a different question: What motivation have I been unwilling to admit is influencing this decision?
The answer may not change the options in front of you, but it will almost certainly change how you evaluate them.
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