“I don’t know if I came across super harsh or not. At some point, I lost sense of how I was showing up.”
That was my client after having a hard conversation with one of her leaders about getting the resources she needed in her role. She had asked for help already, but the help they initially offered wouldn’t solve her real problem of being understaffed and without necessary technology systems.
Frustrated that she wasn’t being heard, and stressed that this could cause her to fail in her new role, she finally had to very clearly and directly express exactly where she needed help.
While her leader was initially resistant, he ended up agreeing to exactly what she asked for. But instead of celebrating, she went home worried and exhausted, telling her husband that she wasn’t sure if she had been “too much.”
She’s not alone. In a study of 687 full-time employees, women reported higher negative outcome expectations for self-advocacy behaviors than men did. Further, these expectations predicted whether people actually advocated for themselves and how successful they felt in their careers.
When I asked my client why feeling these hard emotions was such a “bad” thing, she said she had spent her career being positive and solutions oriented, and keeping things energized and light. Somewhere along the way, she also learned that hard emotions—tension, conflict, pushing back—meant she was being “too much.”
She is not imagining the perception of being “too much.”
In three studies published in Psychological Science, both male and female evaluators perceived angry female professionals more negatively than angry male professionals. This was irrespective of rank, as a female CEO and a female trainee both lose favor when they express anger.
It turns out this isn’t just a perception problem; it’s also incorporated into how women get evaluated. When the Stanford researchers Shelley Correll and Caroline Simard analyzed performance reviews across several tech and professional-services firms, they found that men’s developmental feedback was tied to business outcomes, while women’s far more often centered on communication style and personality. A separate analysis of workplace feedback by Textio found women were more likely than men to get personality-based feedback in the first place, and seven times as likely to internalize negative stereotypes.
Repetitive feedback geared at personality traits considered to be more masculine teaches women to hint instead of ask, which can mean kicking the can down the road until the issue gets so big they have no choice but to deal with it, often from a place of burnout.
This confirms my own experience as an HR professional and now as an executive coach. Women frequently come to coaching because they were told to fix their tone or given vague feedback to fix their “executive presence,” while men come to coaching to focus on achieving more tangible performance goals.
If you’re struggling to advocate for yourself and your team as a woman leader, you might want to consider some steps I coach my executive clients through.
LOOK AT THE OPPORTUNITY COST
My client admitted that if she hadn’t finally pushed back, she probably would have needed extended sick leave to recover from burnout from overworking.
Consider this over the short and long term: If you keep hinting instead of asking clearly, if you keep avoiding instead of addressing, what are the consequences 30, 60, 90 days from now? It could mean a significantly reduced likelihood of you and your team hitting your key performance indicators, especially if you’re understaffed or overworked. And if you miss those KPIs, how will that reflect on you and the team?
One of the most effective things I’ve seen a client do is quantify the cost of the status quo. Not “I need help,” but “here’s the downhill slide if these resources aren’t approved. Here’s how it will impact customers. Here’s what the hold times will be.” She painted a scary picture of what saying no would cost.
Sometimes the cost of avoiding the conversation is far greater than the discomfort of having it.
STOP HINTING AND START ASKING
I was coaching a leader recently who manages a large customer service center. They were entering a period with a predicted high call volume along with higher turnover levels. She told me it took her three asks to get her CEO to approve the necessary head count. Because her presentations to the strategic committee were recorded, she was able to send me the recordings and ask for my feedback. So I watched them and found something surprising. She never once directly asked for the head count.
This is what I see so often with leaders who lead through relationship and warmth; they hint around the ask, believing they’ve been clear. They think they’re asking. “Well, the data was on the slide,” they’ll say.
There is a huge difference between saying, “I’m going to need some support,” and saying, “Here’s where we’re falling behind. Here’s the data. I need an additional budget and head count and I’d like to talk about what that’s going to look like in the next 30 to 60 days.”
When we just hint nothing changes. Make a clear ask with specific data and a timeline.
YOUR ASK HAS A RIPPLE EFFECT
Here’s a pattern I see in nearly every woman leader I coach. She’ll go to bat for other people all day long, but the moment the ask is for herself, she starts to backpedal.
One client was ready to have a hard, direct conversation on behalf of a colleague she cared about, but when it came to asking for resources for herself, she hesitated. So I asked her a question I’ll offer you: Instead of thinking of the ask as something for you, how can you remember that the things you ask for, for yourself, also benefit others?
In her case, the answer was obvious the moment she said it out loud. The resources she wanted weren’t a selfish ask. There were several big prospects in the pipeline, and without more support, her team wouldn’t be able to serve any of them well.
Name who else your ask serves to help you ask with more ease and clarity.
STAY CURIOUS IN RESISTANCE
When you feel resistance from someone, instead of pushing harder or shutting down, try asking one more question.
I coach my clients through what I call the mental flexibility game. It’s not about being right or wrong. Instead it’s about getting mindsets out of scarcity mode when the other person says that resources will be too costly.
If leaders respond with, “This will cost too much,” try responding with something like, “I can see that, but I hadn’t thought of it that way. Have you considered that if I got these resources, it might actually do the opposite—that we’d make more money, or serve our customers better?”
You can also try: What do you think is really going on here? What are you afraid might happen? Where might my request create challenges?
Staying curious helps you gather more information, and it keeps you from either talking too much to fill the discomfort or retreating too quickly.
You’re going to feel charged up after these moments, even when the conversation goes well. That’s completely normal. Have a plan for what you’ll do with that energy. Take a walk around the block; step away from your computer for a while. Acknowledge the tension in your body, and give yourself a way to release it so you can move forward. I often ask myself, is this energy even mine? (Many times it’s not. I’ve just absorbed it from the conversation.)
Try to think about one hard conversation you’ve been avoiding or hinting around. Write down the clear ask you actually need to make—the specific support, the data behind it, and the timeline. Then ask yourself, what’s going to happen to me and my team if I don’t have this conversation in the next two weeks?