In the 20 years I’ve been a TV producer, media executive, and speaking coach, I cannot count the number of times I’ve seen people literally cringe upon hearing their own voice. Sometimes it’s a slight scrunch of the nose and sometimes it’s an audible sigh. Why do we hate our own voice? And what can we do about it?
It’s not you, it’s biology
You’re not that special. I don’t mean that rudely, but you’re actually a member of a very large club. The reason you hate the sound of your own voice is grounded in biology. In evolutionary terms, we have only been hearing our voice played back for a short amount of time. While humans have been around for hundreds of thousands of years, our recordings have not. Thomas Edison first recorded and played back his own voice just 150 years ago. (Fun fact: he sang “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”) Our body has not caught up yet to technology.
It’s your skull’s fault
Why do your friends not cringe at your voice, but you do? They hear your voice differently than you do. When we hear our own voice, there are vibrating sound waves hitting the ear drum and vibrations inside our skull due to our vocal cords. As they travel, the lower tones come through stronger. That makes us think our voice is deeper and richer than it is. When we hear our voice as it actually sounds, we’re not used to it.
How to get over it
When you’re just starting to improve your speaking skills, it’s very hard to listen to recordings of your own voice. However, if you’re committed to improving, it’s essential. Every CEO I media train watches their TV segments back. Every coach I work with listens to the podcast they were a guest on. Every speaker I support watches their speech. We listen to it afterwards together.
Familiarity breeds like
Familiarity often breeds liking because of a psychological concept known as the “mere exposure” effect. Listen to your voice back. I recommend starting with audio or video where you sound unrehearsed—on a zoom call or a friend asking you about something you love, like a hobby or a vacation. That way you’ll be hearing yourself as you actually sound.
Analyze it
Separate two aspects: your message and your delivery. Ask yourself: Do I like what I said in this video/segment/podcast? Then analyze it just for delivery. If this is too hard, read a transcript instead of listening to it. Now, listen to the recording. Listen for specific things, not a general “Ugh, my voice sounds weird,” which is unproductive.
Ask yourself: Did I have vocal range? Did I use uptalk, ending my sentences like questions? Did I bring the right energy level? Your answers will point the way to improvement. If you are feeling particularly brave, you can send a sample to a friend or trusted advisor.
Voice memos are another great way to get more comfortable with the act of speaking on cue. You can send them to friends or clients. While you do this, use the wave form of voice memos or another app. Pay attention to your vocal range; you want a normal roller coaster, not high mountains.
Just because you are not used to your voice doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with it. The sooner you can move past the judgment around your voice, the sooner you can focus on what you’re saying and how you’re using your voice to spread your knowledge, be seen as a leader, or, well, just chat.