Emotional intelligence matters, and not just on a personal level. Research shows developing greater emotional intelligence can lead to higher performance and pay, as well as better professional and personal relationships.
The better you can understand and manage your emotions, and the emotions of people around you, the greater your chances of success.
So how emotionally intelligent are you? You could take an emotional intelligence test.
Or you could just see how you answer the following questions.
“Do I ask for advice instead of feedback?”
Say you’re okay with getting feedback, even when it’s critical. (Plenty of people who claim they do, really don’t.) You may even enjoy getting critical feedback.
But that doesn’t mean other people like to give you the feedback you need. Research shows when feedback is requested rather than volunteered, it tends to be too vague. Too fluffy. Too, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings so I’ll just be nice,” to be of any real value.
But when you ask for advice? Harvard Business School researchers found that compared to asking for feedback, asking for advice resulted in respondents providing 34 percent more areas of improvement, and 56 percent more ways to improve.
In short, emotionally intelligent people realize that asking another person to provide feedback (saying, “How did I do?”) puts them on the spot.
On the other hand, asking another person for advice (saying, “What can (or should) I do?”) is flattering. Asking someone for advice implicitly shows you respect their knowledge, skills, experience, etc.
Do that, and two great things happen: you get the input you need, and they feel valued, trusted, and happy to offer guidance they know will help you.
Win-win.
“Do I appreciate (even if I don’t like) negative feedback?”
But what if you’re given feedback you didn’t request? That’s the farthest thing from fun. No one likes to be told what they can do better. Research shows most people rarely appreciate feedback when it’s negative. And when they do receive constructive criticism, they rarely use it to improve their performance. (In fact, studies show that within days we tend to totally forget the negative feedback we receive.)
Emotionally intelligent people keep their feelings in check and embrace — or at least put aside — the discomfort to find ways to improve. A study published in Journal of Experimental Psychology: Learning found that we’re far more likely to recall evaluative feedback (feedback about something we’ve already completed) than directive feedback (feedback on how we could improve on a future task.)
That’s why emotionally intelligent people embrace — again, even if they don’t enjoy — critical feedback. They focus on what it says about the task, not about themselves.
Instead of avoiding feedback that threatens how you currently perceive yourself, use it to improve how you will someday perceive yourself.
Smarter, more skilled, more talented, more inclusive… more of whatever you someday hope to be.
“Do I often praise other people?”
Do you feel you don’t receive enough recognition and praise? Science says you’re not alone. Two out of three employees surveyed feel they don’t receive enough praise, and nearly three-fourths say they receive some form of positive feedback less than once a week.
Clearly that doesn’t feel great.
Emotionally intelligent people recognize that what they want — or need — is what they can give to people they know. A kind word. A sincere thank-you.
Plenty of people you know — employees, vendors, customers, friends, family, etc. — deserve a kind word. A sincere thank-you.
But you should also recognize people you don’t know. A store clerk. A delivery person. A customer service rep. Because praise that is unexpected, like the gift that is given “just because,” is often even more powerful.
“Do I willingly admit my mistakes?”
As Daniel Coyle writes in his book The Culture Code, Navy SEAL Dave Cooper feels the most important words a leader can say are, “I screwed that up.”
While that might sound odd, since conventional wisdom says leaders should project unshakable confidence, and admitting weakness risks creating more weakness, emotionally intelligent people realize strong cultures can only be built when people feel safe enough to tell one another the truth.
Which starts with leaders who admit they aren’t perfect.
The result is a vulnerability loop: one person allows themself to be vulnerable and admits a mistake or a shortcoming, which allows another person to do the same. In time, that leads to more open exchanges that build trust and drive performance.
And helps people focus on how they can get better, together.
“Do I often skip past the small talk?”
Say you’re at a conference and just met someone new. Do you whip out the small talk?
Science says you shouldn’t. A series of studies published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychologyfound that the more awkward and uncomfortable a conversation with another person sounded, the more they tended to bond with the other person, and the more they liked the other person.
Participants felt less awkward, more connected, and a lot happier after those conversations than they expected to feel.
Emotionally intelligent people realize that the deeper the conversation, especially with someone they don’t know, the more likely they both are to enjoy it.
Keep in mind “deep” doesn’t have to be too deep. When researchers asked people to come up with what they considered to be “deeper” questions, the most common were pretty straightforward:
- What do you love doing?
- What do you regret most?
- Where do you see yourself in five years?
As the researchers write, “Our research suggests that the person next to you would probably be happier talking about their passions and purpose than the weather or ‘What’s up?’”
And so do you.