When I was a leader in corporate America at a large regional bank, I held the assumption that once I was promoted, and received my new title and salary, then I would finally feel confident and successful. I was wrong. The allure of a new title and office wore off quickly, and my persistent worries about whether I was cut out for leadership, or even a good leader at all, continued to persist. A decade later, even after I submitted the first draft of my book, Closing the Confidence Gap, I was overwhelmed with self-doubt. I felt completely stuck: Unable to move forward with marketing, I was paralyzed by many of the same old fears of “What if people think I’m no good and this book finally proves it?”
In my thousands of hours of conversations with leaders, I discovered that we share a common belief: that our confidence will arrive once we receive a certain title or status. We think we will finally “feel” successful. But it doesn’t happen that way. Self-doubt is always waiting at the edges of our capabilities. When we attempt to push doubt aside and ignore it, we reduce our ability to remain curious and respond most effectively. Counterintuitively, avoiding the feeling only makes it grow stronger, thus playing a larger role in preventing us from applying for roles that excite us, holding crucial conversations, speaking up and sharing ideas, or making courageous asks.
If self-doubt is holding you back from meeting your potential in leadership, here are some steps you can take to help manage that feeling, and even use it to your advantage.
NOTICE AND NAME WHAT IS HAPPENING
Noticing and naming an emotion is the first step toward emotional acceptance. This means that you are allowing your feeling to exist without judgment or a desire to change this. It can help to rely on an emotions wheel to find the language to describe what you are feeling.
If this process is overwhelming, take four deep breaths and ask yourself, “What feelings arise in my body?” Once you get curious about these feelings, it will become easier to name the emotions. Naming our emotions doesn’t amp up their power, it identifies them accurately. With this accuracy, we can feel more in control of their cause and the right next steps we need to take.
NORMALIZE THE FEELING BY FINDING A SUPPORT SYSTEM
The first step toward normalizing self-doubt is accepting the feeling. For example, you may say to yourself, “Self-doubt is a normal, healthy human emotion and a sign that I am stretching my comfort zone.”
A second important step toward normalizing self-doubt is taking the vulnerable step to describe what is happening to a supportive and neutral party. This can be in-person or online, either with one person (such as a therapist or coach) or with a community. When I struggled with self-doubt after writing my book, I took the vulnerable step to share this with my entrepreneurial community who, in response, shared their own feelings of self-doubt. This helped me normalize this feeling and provided support to help me move forward.
REFRAME SELF-DOUBT AS A STATE NOT A TRAIT
The internal language we use impacts how we behave. When our internal language describes self-doubt as a trait (for example: “I am a nervous wreck. I cannot show up for this presentation”) we are not allowing room for this to be changed.
Instead, we should reframe this feeling into a state. One potential reframe could be, “I notice that I am feeling doubtful and nervous, this means I’m moving closer to achieving my stretch goals.”
To separate a state from a trait, it can be helpful to ask yourself what helpful reasons there are for feeling self-doubt. You may ask yourself, “How does this emotion benefit me?” Potential benefits include keeping you humble, or ensuring that you put in adequate preparation and effort for a keynote, meeting, or project.
TAKE ACTION WHILE FEELING DOUBTFUL
If you wait until you feel confident or fully ready to do something, you may wait forever. I have interviewed leaders like Arianna Huffington, Indra Nooyi, and Padmasaree Warrior. Here is what I learned from them: Rising through the ranks in leadership does not mean that your self-doubt disappears. It means that you have learned to anticipate and accommodate self-doubt at all stages of leadership. Successful leaders have transformed their relationship with doubt, knowing it’s essential on the path to a meaningful career.
Taking action is a muscle that is built with small, brave steps. If you struggle with self-doubt while presenting, you may not give your first keynote to an audience of 1,000 people. Instead, you may agree to lead your next team meeting. Once you have done this a few times, you may then decide to speak up at a company-wide meeting. It’s the actions of confidence that come first, the feeling that comes second.
Confidence is a side effect of taking action.