No matter how likeable you (think you) are, you won’t get along with everyone. Chances are, you can think of at least one colleague that you just don’t have a good relationship with. If that relationship has gone bad over time, you may want to figure out what you can do to repair it.
Up front, it is important to bear in mind that you don’t need to be friends with your colleagues. The aim is to have a respected relationship. In fact, you probably shouldn’t try too hard to be friends with your supervisor or your direct reports. As I have written about before, there is an ethical tenet in clinical psychology called the dual relationship principle. A therapist cannot have any other relationship with a client other than a therapeutic one. They can’t be friends, lovers, business partners, or family members.
The reason for this principle is that when you have more than one relationship with someone, it will eventually lead to conflicts in the goals of those relationships, and the therapeutic relationship is paramount. In the workplace, the rule is less ironclad, but it is important to bear in mind that when a supervisor and supervisee are friends, it can create awkward situations when the boss has to tell their report what to do.
That said, you do want to get along with your colleagues as well as possible to keep your working relationship pleasant and productive.
Find out what went wrong
Sometimes you know exactly why your relationship with a coworker has gone south. That isn’t always the case. If you are genuinely confused about why the relationship has suffered, ask them to grab a cup of coffee with you. Then, talk about it.
Start by focusing on things from your perspective. You never want someone to feel like you are telling them what they’re doing or what their motivations are. So, use your own experience and feelings. Something like, “I feel like the two of us don’t get along as well as we used to. I would like to do what I can to make that better. Would you be open to talking about it?”
Notice that you’re focusing only on your own actions and viewpoint and giving the other person permission not to engage in the conversation, but also giving them the opportunity to frame things how they would like. In the best of circumstances, this starts a discussion that enables you to start to move forward.
If your colleague does start to talk about something that you did, it is important that you listen without getting defensive. Focus on being able to repeat back to them what they told you rather than immediately trying to fix the problem. If a colleague airs a grievance, you want to let them know that you heard them.
Fall on the sword
If this is the first time you are approaching your colleague about fixing the relationship, and your colleague does have a grievance, there is a temptation to defend your actions or to air some grievances of your own. To get the relationship moving forward, resist the urge to lead with either of those approaches.
Start by acknowledging anything you did that caused a rift. Even if you don’t feel like what you did was a big deal, you should start by taking responsibility for anything you did that caused a problem, regardless of your intentions when you acted. That will help your colleague feel heard. As part of that apology, you can talk about how you plan to do things differently in the future.
If you do have grievances of your own, you should decide whether the tenor of the conversation feels like you can discuss them as well. Many colleagues may ask if there is anything they have done that contributed to the problems between you. Even if that initial conversation isn’t the right time, you may want to find an opportunity to discuss your concerns later.
While you should take the first step in apologizing, that doesn’t mean you want to develop a pattern with a colleague in which you always admit fault. There are some people in life who want to feel aggrieved and enjoy having others grovel for forgiveness. It is not always up to you to take the first step to repair a relationship. If you notice this pattern, it is fine to write off that relationship as one you can’t salvage.
Give it time
Just because you feel like it’s the right moment to repair a relationship with a colleague does not mean your colleague will feel the same way. Perhaps you did something that hurt them more deeply than you realized. Often, your colleague may be going through other things in their life that make it hard for them to take on another emotionally difficult topic.
If your colleague does not want to talk about the relationship or still seems upset after you have apologized, don’t keep pushing. Give your coworker time and space. Sometimes, the action of initiating a conversation is enough to thaw a bad relationship. Sometimes, they need a little more time before they’re ready. Perhaps they just aren’t good at fixing interpersonal problems and have work of their own to do before a conversation with you will be productive.
Regardless of the reason why your colleague won’t engage, continuing to press them to talk or to forgive you won’t improve the situation. It is important to learn to be okay with the knowledge that there are some people in the world who don’t like you.